13. Ah Lucky 13

It isn't everyday that I hate living with my mom. Just most of them. It also feels like there are a growing number of days that I hate living with my mom. I had hoped that there would be fewer and fewer, but no such luck.

It feels almost as if the situation is getting under my skin and agrivating the way I feel about it. I decided that since she wanted to go to Flordia to visit her mom for a month that that would give everyone time off. So, we figured out how to scrounge up the money for her to go for her birthday (which is today). We couldn't send her till next month, but at least she could go and feel good, and we could have some time off. She was really excited, and then decided that she had to wait till her disiblity came in. That way if her case came up she wouldn't have to worry about getting back to Texas, and she would have money to spend. In the mean time we could buy her a hundred dollars worth of yarn.

Well, that wasn't really what lucky thirteen was supposed to complain about. My mom has decided that she knows how everyone feels and is going to make it a point to point it out. She has told me several times that I resent her. Which is slightly true, but never about the situations that she brings up. If feels like she is trying to feed us into one of two things. Either really hating the situation till we all just blow up, or to feeling so sorry that she is having to be here that we try and buy her into feeling better about the situation.

Today she told me that she knows Peter (my husband) is really angry with her and doesn't want her to be here. Well, he is actually okay with her being here as long as I am. We have talked about the issue on several occassions and he just wants me to be happy with it. He isn't angry with her, and doesn't hate her being here though he doesn't like the fact that I am struggling with it. But she is sure that he is angry with her and doesn't want to talk to her, because they haven't talked much recently. He leaves for work at 8:30am and gets home at 10:30-11:30pm Monday thru Friday. We have been here a week, this weekend we went shopping, and then to his dad's to use the net (ours wasn't working), and then his dad took all of us out to eat (INCLUDING HER). To me it doesn't look like he is avoiding her, or that he isn't talking with her. We even took her shopping after dinner. But she is going to see what she sees. She thinks I am constantly trying to make her feel guilty for this or for that, and that I resent her for this and for that.

Truth is...I wish she would let me live my life even though she lives her. I wish she wouldn't boss me around, teach my son habits that will effect his health in the long run, and I wish that I had some time off away from her. I wish that life was fair and that she could live with a husband, or be healthy at 48, but since it isn't I just wish that she would be content and let me be as well...

12. Interesting Frazes

You know those people who can manipulate you into doing something simply by the words that they use. Well it would seem that my mom either is trying to be one of those people or used to being one of those people.

The other day we were getting ready to leave, and she came to us and goes, "While you are checking the mail (something she knew we weren't planning on doing since it was out of our way), can you pick me up something to eat from KFC (even though she doesn't have any money so we would be paying for it)?"

Well, as much as that makes me want to scream, I didn't. I also didn't check the mail, or get her something to eat from KFC. If we can't afford to eat out how can she expect us to pay for her to eat out.

Anywho...

11. The Truth Comes Out

We have now completed the move to Texas. It is now that I can be at least honest with myself, and those who don't really know me.

I hate living with my mom!

Not just this thing here and that thing there, and in good humor, but all of it. I hate it and wish that there was some other way...but there isn't so, I must live with it all for now.

We moved into a two bedroom apartment (what we could afford and find in an area where housing is short). That puts me and my husband in the master bedroom and my mom in the slightly smaller bedroom. It also puts our 11 month old son in our closet. Which we had hoped would be bigger since it was a "Texas sized" closet, but it isn't that big. Sharing a bathroom with my mom was the worse, so here she has the second bathroom, which only stinks for our company since she has a toilet riser. However, all of this means she has a large walk in closet where she can put stuff and clothes and we do not since Marcus is sleeping there and we have learned that hanging clothes is difficult due to sleeping schedules and space. She also has the hall linen closet. This means we have no closet of anysort. We also have the smallest bathroom, so there isn't any storage space for anything in there. In fact it is so small that the toilet brush, plunger, and a small bathroom trash don't all fit. The brush and plunger now abide in the bathroom, and the bathroom trash in our bedroom.

We are unpacking the few things that we Fed Exed from Wisconsin, and of course she has a lot more. We have six boxes and she has forty-six boxes. We did this because it was easier then fighting her about it, but paying for it is turning out to be a huge deal since it cost more then we planned.

However, now she has all this stuff, and it is crowding me out. I feel as if I have no home, and will never have a home again. I don't know how to look at it from a positive point of view. I am tired of living with her, tired of having her in my house, and tired of dealing with her and her problems every day. I know that I should be thankful that at least she is alive and being taken care of, but I don't really know how to be thankful for that when it hurts me and makes me feel crowded and unable to be myself.

10. Money, money, money

My mom has always had horrible spending issues. She loved giving gifts, going out to eat, and buying new things (don't we all?). However she never really had the money to do all of those things. When I was 17 Fingerhut sent me a catalogue with a credit line. My mom bought items and put the first negative mark on my credit. When I was 19 she bought a top of the line computer from Dell, using my credit. To this day she owes over 2k. At first it was only 1700, but late fees and then over credit fees, and so on and so forth. Last I checked it was 2300. We can't afford to do anything about it, so we have done nothing. I did give her permission to use my credit both times, not able to say no, and hoping that she wouldn't damage my credit.

I am over those things, I didn't have a choice but to get over them. I didn't want to spend my life angry. However, she hasn't gotten any better with money, only now she is using our money. The idea is that she pays us back when she finally gets her disability. But she has a lot of plans for that money and I don't know that it will go as far as she hopes it will.

Then I feel torn. Do I say forget what you owe us. Forget that you bought a $40 book knowing you had no income and that we would have to either pay for it or loan you the money to pay for it. And say, yes mom, go on those trips you want to go on. After all if she goes to Michigan for a month, and on a cruise for a week, and to Florida to visit her mom, that means she is away for awhile, and that does sound good. But why did she have to buy a $40 book? And why did she have to do it when money was tight for us and writing a check for $40 is painful?

Hope

I am hoping that when we finally pull this move off (we will be done June 14, 2007 at 5:20pm), that the stress of life will go down and that my mom and I can then live in complete peace. I doubt that it will work out that easy, but I don't want to be unhappy in my living situation forever. I want to enjoy my home and my life in it. I hope, beyond hope, that I don't really come up with 1001 things I hate about living with my mom. Though it might work out to be possible.

9. Don't you ever get tired of telling me what to do

I would be exhausted, always telling someone what to do, but it has never been that way for my mom. She has always seemed to enjoy telling others what to do and being a nag. Well that hasn't changed any since she moved in here. In the beginning she had a "I am trying to respect that this is your home and your life" attitude, but somewhere along the line she has decided that "this is now her home and her life as well".

I have always felt that my mom was selfish and greedy, but I tried to think of it from her side and I knew that she felt other people where being selfish and greedy. Then it came down to if my needs were going to be met then I was going to have to be selfish and greedy. So, I always felt bad about how I felt and what I wanted, this is still the case.

I just want to be left alone. I know that some of the telling me what to do is because she can't do it and sometimes needs help. But other times, it just makes me hate being home. I don't get to do whatever I want, I feel like I have to do whatever she wants. Maybe I am looking at things wrong, but I need a vacation.

8. Forcing Her Adgena and Her Time Table

Often my mom doesn't like to wait for things to be done. She doesn't want to have them done later or in any one's time frame, but her own. This is probably common for perfectionist and controlling people everywhere. However it has always been an issue for my brother and I. Growing up we would get in trouble for not doing our chores on time, and for putting off cleaning our rooms and such things as that. It was such a big issue in my life that I left my room messy most of the time as a form of rebellion. I hated that she had to have everything done her way (not only did we have to clean, but we had to clean the way she wanted it done). She always felt it was her prerogative since it was her house. As a teen we fought about it about six times a week.

Now we don't fight about it. Now she does things to try and manipulate me into feeling bad and doing it her way when she wants it done. She wants the baby toys picked up right now (even though I usually wait till he has gone to bed knowing that he will want them back out the moment they are taken care of) so she will try and pick them up and then ask for help so that I am forced to get up and do it now. She wants the space picked up right now (it is a mess we are packing one crazy move), so she goes around and does what she can and asks me to do this and that and this other thing. Nothing can wait. Or if it can it is only for about five seconds when she starts up the nag cycle. If is something that is bothering her and I am in the middle of something else, she will nag and complain until it is completed.

So far this is an issue we have fought about probably six times in the twelve weeks since she moved in. I don't see it getting better, just worse. Soon we will be living with Peter again and he won't like it. He won't like her trying to force my time, and he won't like her trying to force his time. I guess only time will tell...

7. Pasta

I know that lately my complaints have been food related, like I am food obsessed. And maybe I am just a little. It is one of the biggest things that effect our daily lives. I love pasta, and know how to cook a wide variety of tasty dishes...but in 12 weeks I have eaten it 5 times (including leftovers!). Normally I eat it 5 times a week!

6. Eating Habits for 500

All my life I have learned horrible eating habits. The only thing that I never learned to do was put salt on everything and that is because she doesn't like salt.

Other then that I have learned to indulge, over eat, consume mass amounts of sugar (especially when stressed), fry almost every mean, and enjoy dessert before a meal, after a meal, instead of a meal. Since being out on my own I have tried to trade some of those habits for better ones. Like trading white for wheat and vegetable for olive oil. It hasn't always been easy eating better, and I still have not gotten where I want to get, but she doesn't help!

The other day I had to buy vegetable oil, because the olive oil and the canola oil (both of which are a slightly better choice) weren't good enough for her. Today when I came home from the store I didn't buy enough junk food. She had the munchies and all the munchie food was for our trip (37 hours on the bus).

If she could eat chocolate in her own space, go shopping on her own, and cook her own meals then it wouldn't be the issue that it is. But she can't and I have a hard enough time not sitting down to a half gallon of ice cream for dinner.

5. She is Poisoning My Son

Okay, so the word poisoning might be just a tad strong for this situation, but none the less it worries me. She feeds him a lot of treats and goodies behind my back. I don't mind him having the occasional treat or goodie, but I know the habits she taught me. Growing up we would divide a half gallon carton into three portions and my mom, brother, and I would sit down to conquer. On top of that, she is teaching him "shhhh, don't tell mom." Being sneaky like that with your grand kids probably doesn't hurt anyone, but she lives with us. So, now he is eating bad, and sneaking chocolate and other pieces of candy. Not that at eleven months he is actively sneaking anything.

Another example would be breakfast. I occasionally feed Marcus dry toast (because he likes it and eats it really good) and a piece of fruit for breakfast. Yesterday mom said that she was making toast and would feed Marcus. She knows he likes dry toast, but slathered his with margarine and cinnamon sugar. I went to clean him up and commented about the cinnamon sugar everywhere and she laughed and said, "Ah that's cause Grandma's toast isn't yucky." I like cinnamon sugar on my toast, and so does Marcus. But why feed him margarine, and sugar if he is just as happy eating it dry?

I just want him to learn healthy habits. I know that I never had the opportunity to learn them and now I am 120 pounds over weight and having to try and learn now.

Is it too much to ask that she doesn't poison my son with the same habits she poisoned me with?

4. She can be a real B****

I know that I can be just as bad as anyone else, so I am not saying that I can't be a real B****, but today was one of my mom's super cranky days.

She gets on my nerves with some of her voice tones, and when she doesn't treat me very nice. Today I asked if she wanted me to spend all day every day hiding in my bedroom. Which of course she said no to, but it didn't change the fact that she was down right mean to me.

I guess this is something I should be used to. It isn't like this is a new development. It is my mom and she has been this way forever, but it does make me feel like it could be a long future.

I am really hoping to get a life once we get to Texas (which will be in less then two weeks). I know things will feel better if I am not with her everyday all day long. Also, because we don't know anyone and have no car, I don't talk to anyone but her and my 10 month old son, and then my husband on the phone. So, things should lighten up. I hope.

3. "Hiding" in my room

It doesn't feel like a whole lot has changed since I was a child. Now my name is on the lease, but I am still "hiding" in my room.

As a teen I spent a lot of time in my room. A bright shade of purplish-periwinkle covered the wall. I hated that color, but didn't have the heart to tell my mom after she did it while I was at camp to surprise me. I had a twin, a cupboard unit, a vanity, and a desk, and very little space to move.

The room is different...
Now I have a much larger room, the master bedroom in our two bedroom apartment...just over 11 feet by just over 13 feet. My bed is queen size, bookshelves cover most of my walls, and my desk now includes a fairly decent computer. I have a walk in closet that triples as a baby room and laundry room (good thing it is really big).

The fact is the same...
We fight or get close to fighting, so I go and hide. This time I have to take my 10 month old son with me, and I have less to do in here then before (though the computer lets me work on our website, blog, or whatever).

Today, it is just close to fighting. I am feeling really depressed about the situation. My husband is 1400 miles away and I am not dealing well today. There is so much to do before we can get on the bus in two weeks and I am feeling over whelmed. I know that I am touchy, and she is too. I just get frustrated with her so easily. So, now I am hiding in my room, wishing for speakers hooked up to the computer, having a son crawl all over me hoping we can do something more fun then we are.