Tuesday, July 31, 2007

20. Guilt Trip

I think that my mother is the Queen of Manipulation. Her favorite technique would be the guilt trip. She has used this for as long as I can remember to try and get her children (and others who know her) to do what she wants them to do. She employs other methods, but this is the one that she uses most often and is usually accompanied by tears, sniffles, and other such sad devices, and even negative comments, feedback, and hurtful sayings.

The money is tight right now, my husband is job hunting, we recently got carried away with spending, and our bills are behind. Hers aren't because she made sure that I paid them on time last month and she doesn't seem to care that we then didn't have money to pay my student loan and other such bills. I am very close to defaulting on my student loan, but she doesn't want me to pay that. She wants me to scrounge up the money to make sure her credit card bill gets paid this month. A bill that went from 22 a month to 49 a month because she over drafted it buying yarn. Yep, we are paying her credit card bill and she is using it to buy yarn. So, she has been guilt tripping me into making sure that her bills are paid each month. However, with no money whatsoever (the bank account is getting closer and closer to being depleated and rent was just a wee bit important) her credit card bill isn't at the top of my priority list. Housing, food, water (living in Texas you actually have to buy it which is weird for the Michigan/Wisconsin girl), and utilities.

Money isn't the only thing that she uses the guilt trip method for. Getting things done her way and in her timing is also something she tries to guilt trip me into. Or if there is laundry in the washer and dryer she will make me feel horrible that it was there when she was ready to do her laundry and I was gone.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Moving Out

My mom informed that after she gets her disability she will be moving out. I have mixed feelings. On one hand I feel like I have failed her. I have failed to provide a home that she wants to live in. I feel guilty that she moved into our house with a twenty six foot truck full of stuff and will move out with much less. We have made sure that she has the things she needs, and have even worked hard to provide for her before we provided for us, but I still feel guilty. I have been told that I don't need to.

The conversation was an interesting one. It was one of those conversations that you would rather be a fly on the wall (to know what happens) then actually be a part of. I don't know how it always works like this, but somehow it does. She can say something that makes you feel guilty while telling you it is all right. Or she can say something nice and something negative and hurting all in one sentence.

I knew there would be issues. I knew this would be hard, but I had no idea how hard. I didn't know that she would complain twice as much as the last time I lived with her. I didn't know that she would be depressed all the time. I didn't know that I would never be able to please her. She feels that I am too messy and she can't live like that. I am messy...comparatively. This is the woman who mopped the floor everyday when I was a kid. I choose to spend time on other endeavors. I choose to spend time with my son, to work, and to try and loose weight.

She doesn't know where she is going. Part of me feels relieved. Part of me excited. Then of course I feel guilty. I know that the guilty part is something that I have been taught to feel.

My mom lives in our second bedroom, which is almost as big as ours (ours is 12'6" square, hers is 12" square). Plus she has a walk in closet. She has the main bathroom and the linen closet. I think to myself...Marcus can move out of our closet and we then have a place to put our stuff! The towels I have no idea where to put can then be put in the linen closet! Some of the bathroom stuff can go in the regular bathroom (ours is too small to be called a bathroom, there isn't any place for anything in there). My crafting table can go in Marcus' room (what one year old needs a whole 12' square room to himself?) His closet can store a multitude of things. Then I feel bad. However, with Marcus in his own room we can live here awhile. It would be so nice not to have to move.

What more can be said?

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

19. If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say...

I remember that whenever we complained, whether it was about life, aches and pains, or other people, we were told, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!"

I understand that people who don't feel well tend to complain. If pain is the thing you think about the most then it will come out. However, all she does is complain. From the time we meet at the breakfast table to the time that I lock myself away in the bedroom. She complains about her pain and how she feels, she complains about things on the floor (while the baby plays his toys are, yep, you guessed it, on the floor), she complains to the baby and using sentences that she says to and "through" the baby but really directed at me, and she complains about other people. It has been days since she has said anything positive.

It feels like a rough rock that scrapes at my sanity and my patience. If I take a nap she complains about how much I have slept today (though she doesn't seem to realize that I have been busy most of the day and only took a forty minute nap). She complains about what was purchased and what wasn't purchased. Yep I bought veggies and fruit instead of lemon pie and ice cream. I told her that it was because I don't know moderation (which is true, and is part of why I didn't buy pie and ice cream, additionally I don't like paying six dollars for her favorite half gallon or twelve for her lemon pie only to have it consumed in one day). Her response to my need for moderation? "Oh, so the rest of us have to suffer because you are trying to loose weight!" Um, no...remember...you put chocolate on your list..."Lots and Lots of Chocolate" and that's what I got you. Yep...Six pounds of it in the form of your favorite candy bars and those kisses you like so much.

Well the dishes aren't kept up with and the floor could be vacuumed (with the swivel sweeper), I would rather spend time playing and taking care of things important to me. It isn't like my house should be condemned or anything (thought to listen to her...)

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

18. Vacuum

I like the look of a clean house, but I don't need the vacuum lines to feel good about it.

I have hated living in an apartment and having a vacuum cleaner. There is never a convenient place to put it. You always have to work hard to get it in it's hiding place, work harder to get it out of it's hiding place, or leave it out in the open and waiting for the next use.

So, when I saw the info commercial for a swivel sweeper, I decided to give it a try. Of course it wasn't as wonderful as the commercial said, but it worked well. It picked up dirt, hair, dust, food, and such on both carpet and linoleum. It keeps the carpet clean, however it doesn't leave vacuum lines.

My mom argued that we needed a vacuum so the floor looked like we vacuumed it. Not so it was clean, but so it looked like we vacuumed. I decided since she didn't vacuum anyway...

Now we are in Texas and I still love the Swivel Sweeper which stores easily in the utility closet. However she continues to harass me about the vacuum cleaner and has even asked me to borrow the neighbors vacuum so that the floor will "look vacuumed". She wants a 700 dollar vacuum and she admits that the primary reason is so the floor gets those lines in it!

No Thank You!

17. Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon

I saw the movie "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" and I must say that isn't what I am refering to here. I am referring to an angry tiger that crouches down and waits for it's prey. One that is really cunning. The hidden dragon hoping to consume everything that it sees.

Yep. That's exactly how she makes me feel sometimes. I feel like she is ready to pounce and hoping for the opportunity to do so. I remember fights when I was a teen, and these are just as bad as that. Or maybe worse because she feels that I owe her. I owe her for being born and raised, I guess.

I don't know when I will feel free of this issue...maybe I will always feel like she is a crouching tiger or hidden dragon.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

16. The Time and Work Factor

I know that today's complaint is just part of taking care of someone, but a tad bit frustrating none the less. We have one car, it normally takes my husband to work a half an hour away each day. On days that we need the car, I have to drive the half hour to drop him off and the half hour to get back. Then late at night when he is finally finished I have to drive the half hour to get him and the half hour to get home. He usually gets home about eleven pm.

Well it isn't that it isn't right for my mom to need to go places, I just wish she could show appreciation for what I have to do to get her there. She makes me feel like it is required, not like it was something nice that I have done to help take care of her.

Oh well, I suppose a simple, "thank you" is really too much to ask.

Friday, July 6, 2007

15. Childlike Behavior

There are some people who never grow up. This can take many forms. Sometimes it is having a joyful time at life. You know who I am talking about. That old man who is such a kid at heart. Who loves playing with things while shopping and splashing in mud puddles. This can be a lot of fun and it can be a great time for those around such people. These people help you to relax and play, to remember childhood times and to lighten up a bit.

Then there are those who never grow up in other ways. You have your husband who still leaves his dirty socks everywhere! Or the adult who can not entertain him or herself.

It is the entertain me mentality that is driving me crazy. My mom is 48 years old. When I was a child and complained of being bored we were always told, "Find something to do, or there is always the toilet to be cleaned." Now, my mom keeps complaining of being bored to death. I have gone out of my way to take her out several days now, even though it is hard while battling a cold, and still it isn't enough. I know we don't have a tv, but there are plenty of other things to do if you take the time to do them. We have boxes of books, plenty of unpacking to do, paper to write on, and a computer that she is willing to use while my husband and I try napping right next to her. Why she doesn't want to use the computer when no one is in here I don't know. But I just can not continue to go out of my way so that she can be entertained.

Yesterday I had the second break since coming to Texas. The first break was on a really bad day of mom's. I was pretty sick, so my father-in-law came and took the baby. It was supposed to be a few hours and that was it, I was going to nap. Well mom wanted me to do this and that to help with her personal care, after all it was while the baby was gone.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

14.Money, Food, and Chores

Thinking back to my previous posts I am beginning to think that there are three issues that are really going to take up my 1001 things. There may be different things that happen or slightly different complaints, but they all surround money, food, and chores.

Money. We are paying her current credit card debt. We make the minimum monthly payment, on time, every month, even though we can't really afford to. Now she has over drafted her credit card, and it now comes with credit card fees. She is spending money she doesn't have while we are paying the bill! It makes me downright mad. Now she wants to add my bank account to her online account so that she can pay the bill early and hopefully stop the over draft fees. Do I trust her not to then use my bank account to pay her bill any old time that she feels like it? I don't know. This is the woman who has three negative marks on my credit, including a computer that she owes 2200 for. I have a hard time telling her no, but it feels dangerous not to.

Food. She complains about what I cook, she complains about what there is to eat, yet I buy exactly what she orders. Three weeks in a row I have bought everything on her list, and spent more on her individual food then I have for my husband, one year old son, and myself. It is downright frustrating.

Chores. Chores have always been an issue. When I was a teen we fought about them all the time, but ultimately her way was it, she was the boss and that was that. She could tell me what I had to do and when I had to do it. And when it didn't happen then she yelled at me. Now it is my house and she hounds and nags. The first time she started nagging yesterday I understood. My laundry was in the dryer and needed to be removed in order for her to finish hers. As much as I hate sharing my washer and dryer, at least it is understandable that she would want to use it and need me to move my stuff. Then she started with the dishes. The dishwasher needs to be emptied. The dishes need to be taken care of. On and on. I already know that! So, the baby went to bed and I took care of the dishes, reloaded the dishwasher, washed down the stove and counters, swept and mopped, yay. I like a clean kitchen after all. Then I hear her telling my husband, "You should pick up all the baby toys." And she starts hounding him till he does what she wants. We went to the store (to buy the groceries that she needed and a few other items). We get back, and she has tied the garbage to the front door! How is that for demanding that you do what she wants when she wants it done?

Worst of all, each day it gets worse, each day I get angrier, each day I want to run away. I feel myself filling with hate, and I really don't want that. I don't know what to do. I have no place to go and really no one to turn to. Complaining to my husband doesn't just let me blow off steam, it makes him angrier which certainly doesn't help. Mom and I have fought a few times, but that doesn't really do anything but make both of us cry, and both of us upset. She doesn't change, after all she thinks it is me who is in the wrong. If I did what she wanted me to when she wanted me to then there wouldn't be nagging, and if I cooked food she liked then there wouldn't be food issues, and if I gave her more money then she wouldn't need to overdraft her credit card. IF.